When Do I Take Down My Online Dating Profile? (VIDEO)
This week my LuvEmOrLeaveEm.com love relationship advice question:
- Dear Abiola, I met someone amazing online and we’ve been dating. We really like each other and yes we have sex. When do I take down my online dating profile from the dating site?
This seems to be about cyber love but you’re really asking, “How do I know that I’m in a relationship?” Time for a DTR – Defining the relationship talk…
Abiola on Love, Sex, Dating: Advice from Your Gay Best Friend (VIDEO)
Episode 20 – Advice from Your Gay Best Friend + Minds of Men
FIVE OUT OF FIVE STARS, ★★★★★
GUESTS: Author Terrance Dean and Filmmaker Samad Davis
Hilarious Love, Sex and Dating Advice! Bestselling author Terrance Dean talks about his new book Straight Advice from Your Gay Best Friend and filmmaker Samad Davis talks about the Minds of Men: Black Men on Cheating, Women and Relationships.
Black Hair Is: Sesame Street’s “I Love My Hair” & Willow Smith’s I Whip My Hair
Black Women & I Love My Hair: Sesame Street, Willow Smith, Essence Magazine…
It’s a good month for black women’s hair.
First Sesame Street gifted us with the “I Love My Hair” video and song, where an adorable brown muppet girl shares her love of self. The song and video are positive, addictive and like water for chocolate women who are hungry for positive reinforcement and images of self. On Nichelle Stephen‘s blogazine Cool Black People I learned the story behind the Sesame Street I Love My Hair video that is lighting up youtube.
NPR reports that a white father of an African American daughter was concerned about his daughter’s adulation of long, straight blonde hair. That father Joey Mazzarino happens to be the head writer of Sesame Street and a Muppeteer. He says that the lyrics of the song say what he wanted to say to his young black daughter.
The beautiful black-hair-a-polooza continued with a super-fierce video from Willow Smith, daughter of actors Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. I Whip My Hair is Willow Smith’s adorable first video, and was produced by rapper Jay Z. See 9 year old Willow whip her hair and you’ll be whipping yours too. The video is fun and hot while still being age-appropriate.
A few months ago many black women declared themselves through with Essence Magazine, but Essence unleashed a show stopping cover with their Race in America issue. It’s actually the November 2010 book but it is on the newsstands now. The bold top headline of the cover says, “Love Your Natural Hair: Curl It, Twist It, LockIt, Rock It!”
Interestingly the gorgeous Kerry Washington sports a big curly afro weave or wig, so whether or not this counts as natural hair is up for debate. Over the past couple of years when black women, particularly single black women have felt assaulted by the media these sweet drops in the bucket are welcome.
Next up, Tyler Perry‘s filmic take on Ntozake Shange‘s for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf. I am super nervous about how this film will turn out as this book was my lifeline for a while, and I played both the Lady in Yellow and Lady in Orange on stage. We’ll see what happens. The trailer looks thoughtful.
Your Passionista Homework? Check out: Sesame Street’s I Love My Hair video, Willow Smith’s I Whip My Hair, Essence Magazine, my America the Beautiful interview, Jezebel post on race, sexuality and representation, and recent interview with Farai Chideya and Arielle Loren.
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Sexy Salmon Recipe Cooking: Romantic Brown Sugar Glaze (VIDEO)
Cooking Sexy Salmon? Um, how can salmon be sexy, Abiola? Make it with Brown Sugar Glaze, that’s how. Plus if you’re feeling frisky you can make it for someone you enjoy…
In this “Romantic Cooking 101″ segment The Get Em Girls share their recipe for brown sugar glaze salmon. This is SO delicious and salmon (according to Dr. Perricone anyway) is super healthy for your skin. This Southern salmon recipe also includes Ginger Root which is an aphrodisiac according to the ancient Egyptians.
This is more grown up presentation than the Salmon Cakes we were making this summer as a part of our Salad Recipes. WATCH!
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The Beauty Myth: Plastic Surgery with Michael Beach (VIDEO)
America the Beautiful: A Documentary About The Beauty Myth
Actor Michael Beach is the co-producer of America the Beautiful, a film that attempts to dissect the beauty myth and current cultural obsession with faux perfection and plastic surgery. We sat down in New York City to talk about beauty and self-love. Watch the video and then check out How A Breast Cancer Scare Helped Me To Love My Breasts.
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Pop and Politics with Farai Chideya & Arielle Loren plus Gilbere Forte
This week Abiola on LSD: Love, Sex, Dating and Drama took a scholarly turn with our incredible guests Farai Chideya, multimedia journalist, and Arielle Loren, filmmaker. PLUS we’ve got pop singer Gilbere Forte. Watch!
Gilbere Forte & His 87 Dreams Gets the Abiola Interview
Gilbere Forte, hip hop artist, cutie pie and pop singer, came to hang out with us in the Passionista Playhouse on the last episode of Abiola on LSD: Love, Sex, Dating and Drama. We talked about music, love and 87 Dreams. Check it out! And come play with us on Shovio.com Wednesdays 10-11pm EST where you can chat, beam in on webcam or just WATCH.
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Feminist Sex, Karen Owen & Slut Shaming on Jezebel + Black Women & Representation
Writer, lobbyist and feminist activist Megan Carpentier asked for my thoughts on F*cking While Feminist, Karen Owen, the Powerpoint superstar from Duke University, and general slut shaming culture for a Jezebel collaborative blog.
This was a timely request as earlier in the week I felt “slut shamed” by one of my twitter followers. I’m not sure what he was responding to (maybe my Friends With Benefits video, Safe Sex Pledge or ancient Celibate Slut post) but he tweeted: “Ironically, the Chocolate Queen of the Nymphos is a New prude. Ha.”
Before I remembered that I don’t give a damn what random tweoples think I tweeted back: “Unfortunately I have always been a prude with my body, nympho with my mind! Nothing new about that.” And then: “All jokes aside, sadly none of my real life friends wd call me a nympho but 99% of them would call me a sex blogging prude! #shrug”
I was surprised that I was hurt and upset. This exchange stirred up a number of thoughts and emotions: “Why would anyone think that I’m a nympho? Huh? Me? Hilarious. Sex is awesome so who cares if folks think I’m a whore. Are people still that ignorant and limited that if a woman writes and speaks about sex then she must be a nympho or slut? But what’s wrong with being a nympho or slut? Why am I not more of a nympho or slut? Maybe I am letting down the Official Relationship, Sex and Lifestyle Bloggers of America by not being more of a nympho or slut. And am I not past caring what random people think? Isn’t my favorite affirmation ‘What you think of me is none of my business?’ Mmm. Nachos.”
So, needless to say, I can’t write an original post for Megan and Jezebel because the schedule conflicts with my new therapy sessions.
And for the feminist record, I find Karen Owen’s Sex List Powerpoint Faux Thesis hilarious– and not because I feel a sense of glee and reversal of fortune at a woman ranking a man. My friends and I have emailed, laughed at and exulted in our share of penis photos. Big deal. Women enjoying sex and ranking men privately is nothing new. Trust me. I find Karen Owens’ Duke athletes sex list amusing because mixing sex with a Powerpoint presentation is funny. Plus the faux Duke U thesis was written for a private exchange amongst her friends. As far as we know, this was not intended to be a public document. What I did find extremely troubling about the Karen Owen Screw List debacle was her casual and insulting racial references. But that’s another post.
My “What is a Slut” entry (below) was originally printed in the anthology Dirty Words: A Literary Encyclopedia of Sex, edited by Ellen Sussman.
SLUT (slŭt) noun.
Definition: The origin of the word slut does not stem from a sixth grade bathroom stall encounter between Gina Holder and Jaqui Saunders’ boyfriend Jay as originally suspected. The word slut was derived from the Middle English word slutte for a slovenly woman and has come to mean a woman having multiple concurrent sexual relationships.
Politically Correct Synonyms: horizontally challenged, non virginal, footloose, lover of people, pussy power advocate, indiscriminate, giving humanitarian, woman with the morals of a man.
Politically Incorrect Synonyms: skank, tramp, slag, sausage wallet, ho, hoochie, wench, trick, hussy, chickenhead, harlot, jezebel, tart, slore, whore, courtesan, jump off, sidechick, floozy. strumpet.
Related terms for Non-Monogamous Women: mistress, prostitute, nymphomaniac, polyamorous, sex-positive, fellacious, virtueless, loose, easy, promiscuous, lusty, dirty, low.
Suggested Textable Backronym: She Loves U too?!
I was always jealous of the girls we called sluts. I was one of the finger wagging, moral policing, high-roaders and former Girls Scouts that sat in the front row of every class in Middle School and raised our hands practically before the questions were asked. When I grew up in the late eighties, slut was probably the worst thing a woman could be called. We were taught to just say no to all kinds of things and AIDS seemed like it might be lurking behind every toilet seat. Teen pregnancy threatened to ruin us The so-called sluts seemed so much freer than the rest of us, flipping off society with their don’t give a damn attitudes. They seemed happy, like by sleeping around –or appearing to– they were living slightly above the law.
I was one of a handful of kids of color at an elite New York City all-girls prep school that went from kindergarten to twelfth grade. I was reminded often by my parents and my peers that in addition to regular teen aged concerns, I also bore the burden of representation. “You are not only representing yourself in the prep school community. You are representing every African American young woman in America,” Mrs. Johnson, one of the two black teachers in the school told me when I racked up too many tardies. Really?
So if Abiola met a boy at Le Panto’s, our after school watering hole, and made out with him as Lizzie Paddock seemed to do on a daily basis, not only was Abiola a probable slut, but she was marking every young lady of African descent that might grace the halls of Brearley, Spence, Chapin, and Nightingale-Bamford (our neighboring all girls schools) as sluts too. My social life could single-handedly dismantle civil rights and set black people back forty years.
Madonna’s Sex book, daring music videos and cutting edge lyrics made all of us girls want to be exactly like her when we grew up. When our imitations of her wild style of dressing – cut off shirts, rolled up skirts and public bra straps — compromised the integrity of our dull navy uniforms, our headmistress added a new rule to the manuals on proper apparel: No underwear is to be worn as outerwear. After all, we were not only representing ourselves, but also the school and its mission of providing an academically rigorous liberal arts education to girls, by truth and toil. Our playground motto was Other girls marry doctors, we become doctors. Evidently, our Madonna wannabe wardrobes threatened to dismantle women’s rights and set back the hundred and ten year old history of the school. My behavior as a young woman could again degrade my tribe.
So who was having all the fun while I was upholding the honor of my race and gender? The best known of the young women we called sluts in high school were Dana, who was caught having sex in closet, Ariel, who claimed to have contracted a case of crabs by trying on jeans in the Gap, and Elle, who became a teen mother at sixteen. They are now respectively a real estate developer, investment banker and day care matron, so I guess that they were no worse for the wear.
Sluts are brazen outlaws. Male counterparts to sluts are called playboys, philanderers, players, ladies’ men, man-whores, lady killers, cads, womanizers, and rakes – all glamorous compared to the derogatory word slut.
On the other hand, a hoe is a garden tool, necessary for irrigation. The crops die without it.
Damn straight.
It Gets Better: Message to Gay Teens About Bullying (VIDEO)
My buddy Nando Rodriguez, fab dating blogger, sent out a Call to Action, asking those who care for participation in the It Gets Better Anti-Bullying Campaign. We’ve all been aware of the increased attention lately on the bullying of gay teens and LGBT youth due a spate of suicides. One of the more high profile cases in our area was the 18 year old Rutgers musician Tyler Clementi who tragically jumped off of the George Washington Bridge after he was outed and livestreamed by his college roommate while kissing another man.
Last weekend I was on the subway and a group of teen boys were teasing each other by signaling out who might be gay. Even though I have been involved with the NOH8 Campaign for Marriage Equality and have spoken publicaly about gay youth and suicide with author-activist Terrance Dean I said nothing. I wanted to but I was afraid. They were a rowdy crew of young men and I was on the subway alone. I wish that I said something but I did did not. So I thank my dear friend Nando for the invitation to get involved. So often we feel like we need to be invited to be involved but there is truly no invitation needed to do the right thing.
The White Men’s Guide to Dating Black Women: An Interracial Dating Primer
Interracial Love Sex Dating Advice & Tips for the White Man Seeking A Black Woman
Passionista Principle: “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” ~Robert Frost
Rumors of the dating demise of single black women have been greatly exaggerated.
According to the latest relationship stats and Nightline specials, a black woman with a degree has a greater chance of fitting one-size-fits-none skinny jeans onto her bootylicious booty than finding a comparable African American mate.
So guess who’s coming to dinner in 2011?
Move over Becky, black women are fishing in your pond.
I haven’t crossed the street yet but nevermind what Ochocinco wants. White men, it seems, love black women it seems. Proof? J-Date has become one of the hottest interracial pick up spots for BWD (Black Women Dating) along with love sites like AfroRomance.
Nonetheless, word on the street is that there are a few cross-cultural snafus that may block your WM-BW hook up from being as smooth as possible. To that end I offer The White Guy’s Guide to Dating Black Women: A Primer. And then don’t forget to check out the fun video below for Interracial Dating Snafus.
1. Strong black women, angry black women and other bogey monsters.
A white friend was shocked when Tanisha, his “strong black woman” had a breakdown. Yes. Pine Sol commercials aside we are strong at times, weak at others and vulnerable just like any other woman.
Joe, a buff blonde banker said, “You’re so sweet, Abiola. I’m surprised.”
Dude, were you expecting me to punctuate every convo with an angry chicken neck? That only happens if you call during Grey’s Anatomy. Then don’t get it twisted; I’ll have a girlitude and I’m not afraid to use it.
2. Wiggers, wannabes and fetishists.
Your best friends and all of your past girlfriends are black. You’re just more comfortable with black culture. You love black people. Congratulations. We probably won’t get along because if you’re dating me you’re not dating a culture. You’re dating a woman. Word to your mother.
3. Let’s talk about sex, baybeee.
All black women are either whores or prudes? Yikes. Most of us are neither. You’re not having interracial sex, my man. You’re having sex between two people. Relax.
Steven, a white CPA, was so nervous about sex with a black woman that although he was extremely turned on he couldn’t get it up. He was afraid that he might not measure up. Measure up? I hate to squash fantasies but most black folks are not swinging from the chandeliers with tree trunk dicked brothers. Would that were so.
4. Hi, my name is Khadija.
Yes, we may have non-European cultural monikers like Abiola, Damali or Patranila that sound odd to your ears just like the names Zhang or Po-Hao are new to me if I date someone from Taipei. It’s 2010. Jennisa can date Bradley.
5. Good hair.
Bobs, braids, blow outs, dreads, fros or weaves — it’s still just hair. And forget what the Chris Rock movie said, hell yeah you can pull my hair. Just don’t pull it out! To clarify, yes, you may touch my tresses if we are in a relationship. No, you may not feel up my head if we’re strangers at the bus stop.
6. Meet the Parents. And family. Plus friends.
Now pay close attention. This section can make or break you. My father is an Ivy League educated journalist who graduated from the London School of Economics. Why does every white male friend I introduce to him insist on some kind of funky pounding handshake? He’s not a Harlem Globetrotter. Just shake his hand.
And for the record all black people are not Tyler Perry black people. I am a New Yorker of South American descent; I have never ever met a Big Momma. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just don’t come to my house revved up for collard greens and fried chicken. Most of my family is vegetarian and our Guyanese soul food is curried.
7. The rhythm is gonna get you.
I was hanging with one of my besties and her new white guy picked us up from cocktails. As we got into the car he said, “Sorry ladies, my radio won’t get Hot 97,” the local hardcore hip hop station. My friend and I are as into hardcore rap as Barbara Walters. There are no safe assumptions, homeboy.
Conversely, don’t let political correctness scare you into stupidity. A white buddy was trying to show me one of his colleagues in a crowd. He kept saying, “The guy in the blue shirt.” Well at any given moment 97.6 percent of men are wearing a blue shirt.
Finally I shouted, “Oh, you mean the black man?;” and he breathed a PC sigh of relief.
8. Get ready to be stared at.
Yes, still.
Some people will stare because they are assholes, others will stare because they are curious, a few will stare because I have spaghetti sauce on my mini skirt. Who cares? Let’s be our fabulous selves and give them something to talk about.
9. Man up.
Black women who are only accustomed to the dating style of certain men of color may not be used to your subtle non-pickup pickup style. In other words, the target of your affection might not even be aware that you’re hitting on her. This is a common cross-cultural dating complaint. If she is from a more aggressive cultural background don’t be afraid to step your game up and make it clear that you like her.
My apologies to Dan, Dave Q and Peter. I had no idea that you were hitting on me. I am the product of several aggressive cultures: I’m a Caribbean, African American, East Coast chick. Subtlety is sadly not a part of my repertoire.
When white and Asian guys make a play for my attention I am usually oblivious. I am not saying drag me to your cave but a little boldness would be appreciated. And to Eric, the tall white guy from Ohio that I met in Georgetown, Guyana at Club Mojo, now that I know you were flirting call me!
To clarify: Do not hit her over the head with a club and drag her back to your cave. Do make your attraction clear. A little non-asshole boldness is always appreciated.
10. At the end of the day I am a woman like any other.
Big revelation: Black women are simply women. Obviously whether a relationship succeeds is not based on race. All generalizations are false including this one.
Be yourself, white man, and she’ll do the same. Maybe you’ll live happily ever after.
Thanks for reading! You may also enjoy How to be a Ladies Man, Positive Affirmation Cards, What Not To Do On An Interracial First Date and the Essence Magazine Valentine’s Day Issue. Read More »
